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Cheating explained

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by Donald Mokgale

A topic that has been on people’s lips for centuries and still baffles most to this very day and if you are one of them, then you are fortunate to be reading this article. Many names have been used to identify this behaviour such as infidelity, adultery, back stabbing etc but what do they mean? Most people are quick to say that their partners have cheated on them when they do not even know what is meant by cheating. So let us define it; cheating is when one becomes traitorous to their partner in a relationship. This unfaithfulness will be determined by the foundation upon which the relationship is formed i.e. if two people are in an open relationship whereby they permit themselves to see other people whilst together, so if one partner explores the terms implicit in this particular agreement then it is not cheating, however if two people are in a closed relationship and one partner kisses, intimately touches, seduces, has intercourse with, meets on the sly with someone else, then that behaviour is infidelity. People also have a tendency of imposing their belief of cheating on other people for instance: people in closed relationships may think that those in an open relationship are cheating. Remember, it is about dishonouring the agreement between the two people.

All human beings have a certain level of evil or badness in them; some choose to explore it more than others for example, naughtiness. When we were young, we felt the urge to be naughty just for fun, there was a level of intrigue in doing what one is not supposed to be doing, “sweet is the forbidden fruit” as they say, it provides elation and thrill. This urge never dies when we become adults instead; it haunts us in the worst of times such as when one is in a relationship. It is this evil/naughtiness that has led many to cheat as it is exciting and provides intrigue like no other experience, unfortunately, this evil is above many people’s comprehension which would explain why those who have found themselves cheating because of it, are usually unable to explain why they cheated when they get caught for example: a couple who have been together for many years in a fantastic relationship find themselves in a situation where one of them cheats and gets caught and when asked why, they have no answer and end up saying that they don’t know why they did it.

Greediness is another factor that causes people to cheat. Since what each individual describes as a perfect man or woman does not exist i.e. a person who has absolutely everything that you want in a man or woman from the physical right down to the spiritual side of things, there will always be something missing that you will be coerced to compromise on because that is reality (intellectuals will argue that perfection is relative of course). So there may always be a void in one’s heart about that which is missing in their partner that will make them perfect unless they decide to embrace that which is there, which eventually overwhelms the ‘flaws’ or that which is missing. This ‘void’ causes a particular hunger and an urge to be satisfied, it causes greed. For example: in a relationship, Lerato has a fetish for being treated badly or rudely by her boyfriend (gangster love as most would describe it) and she is with a sweet & caring Tshepo who naturally does not treat her that way. She knows that Tshepo is a right person to be with and wants to eventually marry him as he is a gentleman who will probably make a good father one day. She meets an arrogant Bafana (bad boy) who thinks women can’t resist him; she finds this attribute strangely attractive (the 80/20 rule i.e. Tshepo has 80% and Bafana has 20%). Bafana flirts with her and eventually sleeps with her, after this she is bitten by the jaws of regret because Bafana is not marriage material, he only possesses that which Tshepo lacks but her behaviour will lead to her losing Tshepo for ever. This is one of the ways that greed causes one to cheat. For the sake of not seeming chauvinistic, I will also utilize an example in which the male is a perpetrator. Thabo is in a relationship with Bonnie who is very beautiful and has great looking breasts but Thabo has a fetish for an ‘ATM’ (African Trade Mark) aka booty which Bonnie isn’t very gifted in. He meets Refilwe who is as curvaceous as a sculpture and probably less beautiful if not equivalent in beauty, he acts on his ‘hunger’ for a woman with a body that arouses his 6th sense in an adrenalin rush that leaves him erect. Unfortunately for Thabo, him being male, will divulge this desire to one of his friends, who will either tell him to go for it or just go on about how enrapturing Refilwe’s butt is which will inadvertently lead him to pursuing to fulfill his ever-lasting desire which can never be filled by Bonnie. This is one of the ways that greed can lead one to cheat.

A very close friend of mine once theorised that every human being possesses the innate ability to cheat and that for this ability to manifest itself into action, external factors would have to provoke it, in other words only through the provocation of this innate ability to cheat by external factors, will one cheat. This is indeed a very astute observation. Selfishness is another factor that causes people to cheat. We live in a society that promotes “I”. “I am great, I am the best, I, I, I…” This mentality unfortunately, promotes selfishness and self centered behaviour because “I come first”. For instance, a monogamous Thandi is married to Themba, a pilot, who is always working and ergo hardly ever present at home. This absence (external factor) creates a void in Thandi’s love life which means that her sexual needs will not always be attended to as and when she requires and as a result, will provoke the innate ability to cheat, if I were to apply my friend’s theory, this is how I would explain it. So because Thandi wants her needs to be satisfied, she may become vulnerable toward suitors not only because of her sexual needs but also because of her emotional needs (being lonely), pending on the type of person she is of course but it is in this way that selfishness can lead to cheating.

Fear (insecurity) is also a factor that can lead people to cheating. Ironically, fear can also prevent people from dating in the 1st place. We live in a society that used to preach that “do unto others what you will have them do unto you” but today they preach “if you are not cheating on your partner, then they are cheating on you”. This mentality evokes fear in the minds of people that if they don’t cheat, then they will be the one who will be disgraced by being cheated on. As atrocious as it sounds, it is unfortunately true. The idea of cheating in itself has become a sort of norm in people’s minds to an extent that you are looked down upon or not believed if you have never cheated in your life. Males acquire credit from cheating and bragging (ironically women lose a gargantuan amount of credit for doing the same), as they want to be seen as alpha males (women would be seen as whores). I have heard a prominent neo-soul artist who recorded a track about cheating and before the song starts, he says “everybody cheats right…” even though he was very conceptual in his execution in that he says that he is cheating on his girlfriend WITH his girlfriend, it is the fact that he mentioned it that illustrates what a norm cheating has become in an odd almost in comprehendible way.

“What you don’t know can’t hurt you” is a very prominent ideology that a lot of people use to justify cheating because they wish to have their cakes and eat them, this would still go back to either greed or the innate evil that I spoke about earlier. What causes people to cheat you ask? Well, their innate evil, greed, selfishness, fear (insecurity), it being a societal norm and lastly provocation by external factors. If you think about it, we can actually put them all in one sentence as follows: A person’s innate evil can make them greedy and selfish which will make them cheat because they fear to be cheated on or that it’s the norm or that they have been provoked to do so. There are of course a wicked few, who cheat for the sake of cheating, do it to spite somebody, do it for the experience etc all of which are special cases and aren’t general. In all these factors, I deliberately left out one of the most pertinent aspects of life that all individuals have which is…choice!

Is cheating a choice? Well the truth is, choice is inherent in all situations for instance, if you were to get mugged or hijacked by delinquents with weapons where your life would be at stake, you can still choose not to comply with their demands, even though I would strongly advice against that for obvious reasons, but even in this life threatening situation you have a choice ergo, there is no exception when it comes to cheating, choice is also innate. “And what about flirting?” You may ask, well flirting is a toned down form of seduction, which entices infidelity so depending on one’s standards, (presuming you have some of course) that is also cheating.

I believe, I have just explained cheating in its entirety. To test this, I challenge you to think of all the instances you have come across that do not fit any of the factors I have stated. If you do find any, please contact and enlighten me. Now, lets us examine the aspect of choice in life. What do I mean when I say that it is inherent in all aspects? How does its existence influence the way we think and do things? Well for these insights and more, you will have to wait for my next article because yes, it is a topic for another day.

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  • It seems that most “love relationships” become love/hate relationships before long. Love can turn into savage attack, feelings of hostility, or complete withdrawal of affection at a flick of a switch. This is considered normal.

    If in your relationships you experience both “love” and the opposite of love – attack, emotional violence, and so on – then it is likely that you are confusing ego attachment and addictive clinging with love. You cannot love your partner one moment and attack him or her the next. True love has no opposite. If your “love” has an opposite, then it is not love but a strong ego-need for a more complete and deeper sense of self, a need that the other person temporarily meets. It is the ego’s substitute for salvation, and for a short time it almost does feel like a salvation.

    But there comes a point when your partner behaves in ways that fail to meet your needs, or rather those of your ego. The feelings of pain, and lack that are intrinsic part of egoic consciousness but had been covered up by the “love relationship” now resurface.

    Just as with every drug is available. but invariably there comes a time when the drug no longer works for you.

    When those painful feelings reappear, you feel them even more strongly than before, and what is more, you now perceive your partner as the cause of those feelings. This means that you project them outward and attack the other with all savage violence that is part of your pain.

    This attack may awaken the partner’s own pain, and he or she may counter attack. At this point, the ego is still unconsciously hoping that its attack or its attempts at manipulation will be sufficient punishment to induce your partner to change their behavior, so that it can use them again as a cover-up for your pain.

    Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through your own pain. Every addiction starts with pain and ends with pain. Whatever the substance you are addicted to – alcohol, food, legal or illegal drugs, or a person – you are using something or somebody to cover up your pain.

    That is why, after the initial euphoria has passed, there is so much unhappiness, so much pain in intimate relationships. They bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already in you. Every addiction does that. Every addiction reaches a point where it does not work for you anymore, and then you feel the pain more intensely than ever.

    This is one reason why most people are always trying to escape from the present moment and are seeking some kind of salvation in the future. The first thing that they might encounter if they focused their attention on the Now [present moment] is their pain, and this is what they fear. If they only knew how easy it is to access in the Now the power of presence that dissolve the past and its pain, the reality that dissolves the illusion. If they only knew how close they are to their own reality, how close to God.

    Avoidance of relationships in an attempt to avoid pain is not the answer either. The pain is there anyway. Three failed relationships in as many years are more likely to force you into awakening than three years on a desert island or shut away in your room. But if you could bring intense presence into your aloneness, that would work for you too.

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  • Yo A-Sense u cudnt hav said it better saan. Just be u say? Im wit u on dat one…

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  • Tuelo (A sense)

    You don’t find love in another person, you find love in yourself… Stop trying to mould other people into putties. You cannot control a person’s actions, do your part in a relationship and stop being fearful of being cheated on, no matter how hard you try, you can never control the actions of a grown individual. Just BE is the order of the day, I live with a “philosophy”, it’s either you want to be with me or not, if you don’t, i move one. but if you do, i will be with you the best way i know how, and just hope you’ll do the same. I used to cheat on women and I know, I just didn’t care, I just did what I pleased and nobody would have been able to stop me until i stopped myself. stop trying to find love in other people, other people just illuminate the love that you have in you already. It’s there already, stop trying to find it.

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  • Neli

    A very well written article Malose. And even th0ugh I d0 agree with m0st 0f what y0u’ve written and I have never cheated in my lifetime I w0uld like us t0 surface all the facets 0f “cheating” that can be th0ught 0f, in all p0ssible w0rlds just t0 make the argument m0re interesting and fair. I pers0nally believe that a pers0n has multiple s0ulmates, and this is h0w 0ne gets attracted t0 m0re than 0ne pers0n (even when 0ne is in a relati0nship, bear in mind that 0ne d0es n0t get attracted t0 every0ne), this d0es n0t justify cheating 0f c0urse, and because I am currently a c0mpatibilist, I believe that free will and ch0ice c0-exist. But, let’s c0nsider a determinist’s stance 0n the c0ncept 0f “cheating”. A determinist believes that we have n0 free will at all and that we simply “f0ll0w” a plan, a “divine plan” 0thers c0nsider it t0 be. S0 acc0rding t0 a determinist, ch0ice g0es 0ut the wind0w…and s0 d0 the rest 0f the reas0ns y0u just given, right? (as ch0ice and acti0n have a casual relationship in a dterminit’s case). Here, as in all aspects 0f life, cheating and 0ne’s pers0nal beliefs and phil0s0phies 0f free will w0uld marry t0 decide whether y0u believe that cheating is infact “when one becomes traitorous to their partner in a relationship”, 0r simply part 0f the “divine plan”, right? S0 let’s try and think 0f cheating as determinists, h0w w0uld we explain it then? Just curi0us =)

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  • matebello

    an oldr colq of mine was teln me bout the first time she found out her husbnd was cheatn,says it was the worst pain he eva felt,did think she wud stil be with him til 2date BUT their love grew evn beta.then she talkd lyk a real mosotho elder and said to me” babe man cheat whethr we lyk it or not thats the way they were build,we as women jst hve to acpt it and give our selvs peace”. i lstnd tho i dnt rly belve the part that man were build to cheat,i blve everybdy has potential to cheat,its jst a meta of CHOICE,cheatn is no acidnt it doesnt JST happn.hahaha knw wts funy my baybe tells me everyday that if i eva cheat there is no doubt we thro no meta wht,but adds up and says AOO BOO WUDNT U FGVE ME?hahaha dnt gt it……

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  • Donald The Neosapien

    @ Nduluma – I really like “I think that if a relationship, as most tend to do, grows into a trust bond; the moment that that bond of trust is broken, that in itself constitutes cheating” this is absolute genius!! Thank you for sharing your wisdom, I have certainly been enlightened. Just as I mentioned in the article, cheating is the dishonouring of an agreement. Lovely man!!

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  • Nduluma

    We all ironically speak in trite terms about cheating as if it is a nebulous and vague idea that is difficult to pin down; and yet we all have a very clear and defined sense when we have been ‘offended’ by a partner that has ‘cheated’ on us. In that instance all the moral equivocations and loopholes that could be put forward cannot quite justify why we should forgive one who, on one hand is commited to us and yet one the other has their affections wander off in a different direction.
    I think that if a relationship, as most tend to do, grows into a trust bond; the moment that that bond of trust is broken, that in itself constitutes cheating. I guess that is why cheating could well extend to the province of the emotional and not just physical. And that is why, if you’d only fairly consider this aspect, when in a loving commtited relationship framed by bonds of trust either a man or woman mishandles or lies to the other about finances, essentially the reaction is consistent to a situation in which they cheated physically -why? Because the bond of trust has been betrayed! They have cheated-financially! It arises from exactly the same space
    Undeniably the world hinges on adrocentricism which is the preponderance of the male perspective, and as much as this has had its effect on human culture and history, it remains an ‘amoral narrative’ – those decisions around morality are streamlined down to the individual. And it is in each one’s individual psyche, quite aside from the externalities, that choice is retained; and is where we are acquitted or condemned as to whether or not we are cheats.

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  • Donald The Neosapien

    @ Matt- dankie my brother and amen to that!

    @ TPP – lol thank you my friend, you humble me. The pic was supplied by the editorial team of consciousness, a bunch of gifted creatives that never cease to amaze me!!

    @ Mbali- Wow that is a very interesting angle there my friend!! Well a person can definitely love more than one person, I love your example about losing a husband and yes there is absolutely nothing stopping them from meeting their other ‘lover’ while married. Have you ever heard a track by Erykah Badu called ‘next lifetime’? The track is basically about her and some guy she’s fallen in love with even though she’s in a relationship with a guy she also loves, which is the situation you speak of. When the new guy communicates his affections for her, she admits to feeling the same way but tells the guy that she is in a relationship which she respects and loves so they will be together in the ‘next lifetime’ lol which i found to be cute. As you can see, it’s about how you handle such a situation as an individual apropos, choice. So even if the rule is 50/50, 60/40 it still all boils down to choice. I agree that the emotion of love is one that generally defies reason but I honestly believe if one acted on that genuine emotion, then that would be the response when caught out instead of ‘i don’t know’, unless of course they are confusing the elation of naughtiness as love. Am I making sense to you? What are your thoughts?

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  • Mbai Zulu

    Donald 1st of all interesting article, however it left me with a couple of questions:
    Is it possible to love more than 1 person (intemately ofcourse)…?
    Think about it… Think about a person that lost a husband… Can that person never find true love again ever…? If they can, what is there stoping them to meet while the hubby is alive?
    I mean as much as you can make a conscious decision & agree that you will be loyal/faithful but when it comes to love (an emotion), there is no logic (hence the response “I don’t know” after ‘cheating’). I mean what if the rule is not 80/20 but 50/50…?

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  • TPP

    …the picture my friend, where did you hook it up?!

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  • TPP

    It was a bit hard to follow, given the size of paragraphs but the punches kept me going through, I think it’s an amazing article on the simple complexity (or complexion, I plead poetic license!) of relationships. Never imagined you as a columnist, pleasantly suprised!

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  • matt

    welcome dear ‘new human.’ m looking forward to seeing how u handle this very ???? blog (don have a word for it) ppl cheat (both sexes) period… well, u knw my thoughts saan… bt i’ll express one… we’ve drifted way too far from God. committing to institutions such as relationships (marriage to be more specific) between 2 ppl takes a powerful 3rd. my wife n I decided God would be perfect for such a role. ppl do what works for ‘them’ so whatever views/opinions r expressed tend to lend on deaf ears… but i totally believe we need to look back inside of ourselves, because b4 we were zulu, sotho, african, european and every other ‘acquired through time’ doctrine, we where in the mind of a magnificent being. the more we attempt to recall that experience, the beta we shall become. till then, cheating n all other societal ILLS will persist… till we fail in all our efforts to resist

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  • Donald The Neosapien

    Hi guys and a huge thank you for taking the time to read the article.
    @ Bonny – greed and selfishness are definitely one of the strongest forces that lead people to cheat. The entire cheating action always comes back to haunt the cheaters one way or the other indeed.
    @ Lerato – we definitely live in a very androcentric society, it used to be worse back then compared to now…since we don’t have “men’s month” if you catch my drift lol. More than anything, society plays a monumental role in how people behave even though it always boils down to the individual but some individuals are weaker than others with regards to resisting the pressures of society which leads them to conform. You will hang your boo by his balls? Geez so much for 16 days of activism ne…

    @ George – Your perspective is a very intriguing one I must say seeing that you not only come from a different generation, but from a different country as well. I am not sure I agree with you regarding women having the power to prevent males from cheating though…I honestly believe it all boils down to freewill. As consenting adults, we all know what we are NOT supposed to be doing, that simple. Some people’s will power is stronger than others. What do you think?

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  • Now my comments as a middle aged American White male. I can only speak to that, but I will point out some differences. America is not always Androcentric. I think the generation younger than me has it pretty equal; and never mistake that economics plays a large role in cheating. I was however raised to provide. I was raised by someone that would be just like who I married. I was preprogrammed to work, support and do so at the jeapordy of my own self being. That may have changed for those younger here, but not totally. That leads to some resentment. When someone says men are protoplasmically programmed to cheat, that is right. The gene pool is expanded in nature by ‘cheating’, but humans are rational… We can do better. Finally, if a woman does not want a committed male to cheat she has that power. First he must be committed and must be ready to settle… but after than, he is putty in her hands. We want to be monogamous, we really do. Just make it impossible for us to wander and we are yours. Be a pain, and selfish and self preserving… and you get what you get.

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  • LOL @ Lorato. You are right on until you get to the end… ouch!

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  • I am often plagued by the fear of being cheated on because I have this sinister philosophy that all males are naturally inclined to polygamous behaviours and infidelity. I am highly aware that this is a stereotypical way of thinking…It would seem to me that males prominently are hunters with an insatiable hunger to prey on as many females as possible and taste a variety of forbidden fruit as opportunity avails them. This an underhanded way of thinking perhaps but stats support this. The myth of the Casanova male is perpetuated by ads, storylines ideologies embedded in society: as Donald said when a guy cheats then he is ‘the man’ but when than a gal cheats she is a whore. We livE in an androcentric society. I know that it does not help to blame society because I guess cheating comes down to the indivudual person, but let’s face it our world makes us. If my boo cheats on me I will hang him upside down by his balls. Lol!

    Donald bigs up man! Let’s share this link with odas and start a conversation ayt!

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  • Bonny

    Some people cheat because they are not content with the partner they have CHOSEN therefore it causes them to be selfish and decide to pick they’re fruits from different baskets “Jane does’nt possess this quality so I’ll just get obtain it from Lebo but I still want to keep Jane” so it does boil down to greed.

    Yes it is true that society is breeding and promoting the “I” generation which obliterates many relationships beacause atleast most people just aren’t accustomed to thinking for anyone else but themselves, so thinking how their actions would affect his/her partner only comes after satisfying their greed.

    If someone is going to cheat because of the fear of being cheated on, how does that benefit that person? at the end of the day either way he/she is still inflicting pain on themselves!

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  • It seems that most “love relationships” become love/hate relationships before long. Love can turn into savage attack, feelings of hostility, or complete withdrawal of affection at a flick of a switch. This is considered normal.

    If in your relationships you experience both “love” and the opposite of love – attack, emotional violence, and so on – then it is likely that you are confusing ego attachment and addictive clinging with love. You cannot love your partner one moment and attack him or her the next. True love has no opposite. If your “love” has an opposite, then it is not love but a strong ego-need for a more complete and deeper sense of self, a need that the other person temporarily meets. It is the ego’s substitute for salvation, and for a short time it almost does feel like a salvation.

    But there comes a point when your partner behaves in ways that fail to meet your needs, or rather those of your ego. The feelings of pain, and lack that are intrinsic part of egoic consciousness but had been covered up by the “love relationship” now resurface.

    Just as with every drug is available. but invariably there comes a time when the drug no longer works for you.

    When those painful feelings reappear, you feel them even more strongly than before, and what is more, you now perceive your partner as the cause of those feelings. This means that you project them outward and attack the other with all savage violence that is part of your pain.

    This attack may awaken the partner’s own pain, and he or she may counter attack. At this point, the ego is still unconsciously hoping that its attack or its attempts at manipulation will be sufficient punishment to induce your partner to change their behavior, so that it can use them again as a cover-up for your pain.

    Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through your own pain. Every addiction starts with pain and ends with pain. Whatever the substance you are addicted to – alcohol, food, legal or illegal drugs, or a person – you are using something or somebody to cover up your pain.

    That is why, after the initial euphoria has passed, there is so much unhappiness, so much pain in intimate relationships. They bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already in you. Every addiction does that. Every addiction reaches a point where it does not work for you anymore, and then you feel the pain more intensely than ever.

    This is one reason why most people are always trying to escape from the present moment and are seeking some kind of salvation in the future. The first thing that they might encounter if they focused their attention on the Now [present moment] is their pain, and this is what they fear. If they only knew how easy it is to access in the Now the power of presence that dissolve the past and its pain, the reality that dissolves the illusion. If they only knew how close they are to their own reality, how close to God.

    Avoidance of relationships in an attempt to avoid pain is not the answer either. The pain is there anyway. Three failed relationships in as many years are more likely to force you into awakening than three years on a desert island or shut away in your room. But if you could bring intense presence into your aloneness, that would work for you too.

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  • Yo A-Sense u cudnt hav said it better saan. Just be u say? Im wit u on dat one…

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  • Tuelo (A sense)

    You don’t find love in another person, you find love in yourself… Stop trying to mould other people into putties. You cannot control a person’s actions, do your part in a relationship and stop being fearful of being cheated on, no matter how hard you try, you can never control the actions of a grown individual. Just BE is the order of the day, I live with a “philosophy”, it’s either you want to be with me or not, if you don’t, i move one. but if you do, i will be with you the best way i know how, and just hope you’ll do the same. I used to cheat on women and I know, I just didn’t care, I just did what I pleased and nobody would have been able to stop me until i stopped myself. stop trying to find love in other people, other people just illuminate the love that you have in you already. It’s there already, stop trying to find it.

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  • Neli

    A very well written article Malose. And even th0ugh I d0 agree with m0st 0f what y0u’ve written and I have never cheated in my lifetime I w0uld like us t0 surface all the facets 0f “cheating” that can be th0ught 0f, in all p0ssible w0rlds just t0 make the argument m0re interesting and fair. I pers0nally believe that a pers0n has multiple s0ulmates, and this is h0w 0ne gets attracted t0 m0re than 0ne pers0n (even when 0ne is in a relati0nship, bear in mind that 0ne d0es n0t get attracted t0 every0ne), this d0es n0t justify cheating 0f c0urse, and because I am currently a c0mpatibilist, I believe that free will and ch0ice c0-exist. But, let’s c0nsider a determinist’s stance 0n the c0ncept 0f “cheating”. A determinist believes that we have n0 free will at all and that we simply “f0ll0w” a plan, a “divine plan” 0thers c0nsider it t0 be. S0 acc0rding t0 a determinist, ch0ice g0es 0ut the wind0w…and s0 d0 the rest 0f the reas0ns y0u just given, right? (as ch0ice and acti0n have a casual relationship in a dterminit’s case). Here, as in all aspects 0f life, cheating and 0ne’s pers0nal beliefs and phil0s0phies 0f free will w0uld marry t0 decide whether y0u believe that cheating is infact “when one becomes traitorous to their partner in a relationship”, 0r simply part 0f the “divine plan”, right? S0 let’s try and think 0f cheating as determinists, h0w w0uld we explain it then? Just curi0us =)

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  • matebello

    an oldr colq of mine was teln me bout the first time she found out her husbnd was cheatn,says it was the worst pain he eva felt,did think she wud stil be with him til 2date BUT their love grew evn beta.then she talkd lyk a real mosotho elder and said to me” babe man cheat whethr we lyk it or not thats the way they were build,we as women jst hve to acpt it and give our selvs peace”. i lstnd tho i dnt rly belve the part that man were build to cheat,i blve everybdy has potential to cheat,its jst a meta of CHOICE,cheatn is no acidnt it doesnt JST happn.hahaha knw wts funy my baybe tells me everyday that if i eva cheat there is no doubt we thro no meta wht,but adds up and says AOO BOO WUDNT U FGVE ME?hahaha dnt gt it……

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  • Donald The Neosapien

    @ Nduluma – I really like “I think that if a relationship, as most tend to do, grows into a trust bond; the moment that that bond of trust is broken, that in itself constitutes cheating” this is absolute genius!! Thank you for sharing your wisdom, I have certainly been enlightened. Just as I mentioned in the article, cheating is the dishonouring of an agreement. Lovely man!!

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  • Nduluma

    We all ironically speak in trite terms about cheating as if it is a nebulous and vague idea that is difficult to pin down; and yet we all have a very clear and defined sense when we have been ‘offended’ by a partner that has ‘cheated’ on us. In that instance all the moral equivocations and loopholes that could be put forward cannot quite justify why we should forgive one who, on one hand is commited to us and yet one the other has their affections wander off in a different direction.
    I think that if a relationship, as most tend to do, grows into a trust bond; the moment that that bond of trust is broken, that in itself constitutes cheating. I guess that is why cheating could well extend to the province of the emotional and not just physical. And that is why, if you’d only fairly consider this aspect, when in a loving commtited relationship framed by bonds of trust either a man or woman mishandles or lies to the other about finances, essentially the reaction is consistent to a situation in which they cheated physically -why? Because the bond of trust has been betrayed! They have cheated-financially! It arises from exactly the same space
    Undeniably the world hinges on adrocentricism which is the preponderance of the male perspective, and as much as this has had its effect on human culture and history, it remains an ‘amoral narrative’ – those decisions around morality are streamlined down to the individual. And it is in each one’s individual psyche, quite aside from the externalities, that choice is retained; and is where we are acquitted or condemned as to whether or not we are cheats.

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  • Donald The Neosapien

    @ Matt- dankie my brother and amen to that!

    @ TPP – lol thank you my friend, you humble me. The pic was supplied by the editorial team of consciousness, a bunch of gifted creatives that never cease to amaze me!!

    @ Mbali- Wow that is a very interesting angle there my friend!! Well a person can definitely love more than one person, I love your example about losing a husband and yes there is absolutely nothing stopping them from meeting their other ‘lover’ while married. Have you ever heard a track by Erykah Badu called ‘next lifetime’? The track is basically about her and some guy she’s fallen in love with even though she’s in a relationship with a guy she also loves, which is the situation you speak of. When the new guy communicates his affections for her, she admits to feeling the same way but tells the guy that she is in a relationship which she respects and loves so they will be together in the ‘next lifetime’ lol which i found to be cute. As you can see, it’s about how you handle such a situation as an individual apropos, choice. So even if the rule is 50/50, 60/40 it still all boils down to choice. I agree that the emotion of love is one that generally defies reason but I honestly believe if one acted on that genuine emotion, then that would be the response when caught out instead of ‘i don’t know’, unless of course they are confusing the elation of naughtiness as love. Am I making sense to you? What are your thoughts?

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  • Mbai Zulu

    Donald 1st of all interesting article, however it left me with a couple of questions:
    Is it possible to love more than 1 person (intemately ofcourse)…?
    Think about it… Think about a person that lost a husband… Can that person never find true love again ever…? If they can, what is there stoping them to meet while the hubby is alive?
    I mean as much as you can make a conscious decision & agree that you will be loyal/faithful but when it comes to love (an emotion), there is no logic (hence the response “I don’t know” after ‘cheating’). I mean what if the rule is not 80/20 but 50/50…?

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  • TPP

    …the picture my friend, where did you hook it up?!

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  • TPP

    It was a bit hard to follow, given the size of paragraphs but the punches kept me going through, I think it’s an amazing article on the simple complexity (or complexion, I plead poetic license!) of relationships. Never imagined you as a columnist, pleasantly suprised!

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  • matt

    welcome dear ‘new human.’ m looking forward to seeing how u handle this very ???? blog (don have a word for it) ppl cheat (both sexes) period… well, u knw my thoughts saan… bt i’ll express one… we’ve drifted way too far from God. committing to institutions such as relationships (marriage to be more specific) between 2 ppl takes a powerful 3rd. my wife n I decided God would be perfect for such a role. ppl do what works for ‘them’ so whatever views/opinions r expressed tend to lend on deaf ears… but i totally believe we need to look back inside of ourselves, because b4 we were zulu, sotho, african, european and every other ‘acquired through time’ doctrine, we where in the mind of a magnificent being. the more we attempt to recall that experience, the beta we shall become. till then, cheating n all other societal ILLS will persist… till we fail in all our efforts to resist

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  • Donald The Neosapien

    Hi guys and a huge thank you for taking the time to read the article.
    @ Bonny – greed and selfishness are definitely one of the strongest forces that lead people to cheat. The entire cheating action always comes back to haunt the cheaters one way or the other indeed.
    @ Lerato – we definitely live in a very androcentric society, it used to be worse back then compared to now…since we don’t have “men’s month” if you catch my drift lol. More than anything, society plays a monumental role in how people behave even though it always boils down to the individual but some individuals are weaker than others with regards to resisting the pressures of society which leads them to conform. You will hang your boo by his balls? Geez so much for 16 days of activism ne…

    @ George – Your perspective is a very intriguing one I must say seeing that you not only come from a different generation, but from a different country as well. I am not sure I agree with you regarding women having the power to prevent males from cheating though…I honestly believe it all boils down to freewill. As consenting adults, we all know what we are NOT supposed to be doing, that simple. Some people’s will power is stronger than others. What do you think?

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  • Now my comments as a middle aged American White male. I can only speak to that, but I will point out some differences. America is not always Androcentric. I think the generation younger than me has it pretty equal; and never mistake that economics plays a large role in cheating. I was however raised to provide. I was raised by someone that would be just like who I married. I was preprogrammed to work, support and do so at the jeapordy of my own self being. That may have changed for those younger here, but not totally. That leads to some resentment. When someone says men are protoplasmically programmed to cheat, that is right. The gene pool is expanded in nature by ‘cheating’, but humans are rational… We can do better. Finally, if a woman does not want a committed male to cheat she has that power. First he must be committed and must be ready to settle… but after than, he is putty in her hands. We want to be monogamous, we really do. Just make it impossible for us to wander and we are yours. Be a pain, and selfish and self preserving… and you get what you get.

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  • LOL @ Lorato. You are right on until you get to the end… ouch!

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  • I am often plagued by the fear of being cheated on because I have this sinister philosophy that all males are naturally inclined to polygamous behaviours and infidelity. I am highly aware that this is a stereotypical way of thinking…It would seem to me that males prominently are hunters with an insatiable hunger to prey on as many females as possible and taste a variety of forbidden fruit as opportunity avails them. This an underhanded way of thinking perhaps but stats support this. The myth of the Casanova male is perpetuated by ads, storylines ideologies embedded in society: as Donald said when a guy cheats then he is ‘the man’ but when than a gal cheats she is a whore. We livE in an androcentric society. I know that it does not help to blame society because I guess cheating comes down to the indivudual person, but let’s face it our world makes us. If my boo cheats on me I will hang him upside down by his balls. Lol!

    Donald bigs up man! Let’s share this link with odas and start a conversation ayt!

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  • Bonny

    Some people cheat because they are not content with the partner they have CHOSEN therefore it causes them to be selfish and decide to pick they’re fruits from different baskets “Jane does’nt possess this quality so I’ll just get obtain it from Lebo but I still want to keep Jane” so it does boil down to greed.

    Yes it is true that society is breeding and promoting the “I” generation which obliterates many relationships beacause atleast most people just aren’t accustomed to thinking for anyone else but themselves, so thinking how their actions would affect his/her partner only comes after satisfying their greed.

    If someone is going to cheat because of the fear of being cheated on, how does that benefit that person? at the end of the day either way he/she is still inflicting pain on themselves!

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