by Tokiso Nthebe
There is a crippling feeling that is eating away inside of me… with each second; the pain gets stronger and unbearable. With each passing day, the worry grows bigger, leaving me anxious and frustrated. There is a crippling feeling haunting my heart, robbing me of my ambitious. A feeling so cruel, that I inevitably doubt myself. A feeling so dangerous, that I lose faith in my own strength. The nights are the worst… I jolt out of my bed with each crackling sound. The shades that surround my room remind me of my failures, flaws and lack to talent. The screeching sound of the banging door makes me want to jump out of my skin. I am afraid… I am overwhelmed by fear.
I feel like I can never overcome it. I feel like I am not strong enough to fight it; the doubt; the nightmares; the low self esteem. How did I get myself in this situation?
My journey as a post graduate student has been surrounded by nothing more than fear and uncertainty. Fear of failure; anxiety and doubt. Fear of lack of understanding. Each passing day increases the stress and frustration. Each passing day drags my fear on and on.
Why do I doubt myself like this? Why torture myself like this?
Katty Perry’s “Fire work” track has been my bridge to survival. I’ve imagined myself as a firework. A firework that has hidden potential…Creativity… art work… drive. A firework, that has a spark waiting to be ignited, showing off its burst of colours.
I remind myself that after a hurricane comes a rainbow…radiating with bright colours. That there is a door in my life, waiting to be opened, opened to endless opportunities. I remind myself that like a fire bolt, my heart will blow… exploding with dreams.
Life is hard irrespective of where you are and what you are doing. And fear is there to create doubt, anxiety and worry. But like a firework, we should ignite our sparks and unleash the potential. Like a thunder bolt, we should allow our dreams to explode. And like doors, we should open our hearts and embrace opportunities.
“Teach ability is an attitude, a mindset that says ‘no matter how much I know, or think I know, I can learn from this situation. That kind of thinking can help you turn adversity into advantage. It can make you a winner even during the most difficult circumstances.” (Source thinking for a change- J Maxwell)
So go on… become a firework and leave no room for fear to manifest in your life… let your colours burst. Let them see your worth.