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Zero Tolerance: Lying Ain’t Cool

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A friend lied to me. Can you imagine?!!   Like a dirty politician pulling a fast one on the masses, she tried to fast-talk me! It has taken me out, in so many ways.

Firstly, I’m not all that judgmental and have done a lot of crazy, wild things in my life.  I may look like a sweet little old lady but … a lot of that insanity still lives in my memory and body.  So I’m not real shockable, if you know what I mean.

How can we share and develop trust without being vulnerable with one another?  And who else can we be vulnerable with but our friends and the people who love us.  Anything else is shadow dancing, me interacting with your pretend. Or maybe both of our pretend personas trying to find one another. Should I start lying to you?

Most of us are looking for that deep understanding from another human being.  We want to really reveal who we are, to make a connection somehow.   We complain about the empty people we meet, the meaningless conversations, the endless  line of boring wannabes throwing out a line.  But if we can’t be for real, can’t say what we really think, can’t be who we really are then how can we expect to build an honest, meaningful, authentic connection?

(Oooooo, girlfriend, I’m steaming over here.)

Obviously, telling the truth is important to me, as a value.  I learned at my father’s knee that my word was my bond.  Whether it is a phone call, a ride or putting in a day’s work, if I say I will do something, there’s no question that it will be done. Can I ever trust anything my friend says again?

I learned in rooms of Twelve Step programmes that lying, secrets and anything less than the truth could keep me sick and in denial. The shame and guilt that comes with a lie can haunt one for years and years.  So it’s a lot easier just to not have the hassle and start out with the truth.  There’s more to living than shame, guilt, fear and worthlessness.

I also learned in those Twelve Step rooms that dishonesty and denial keep us from knowing ourselves.  We see it all the time, somebody says something often enough that they start to believe it.  That’s a hard one when we start pretending with our emotions too.  “Yeah, I’m in love,”  “No Baby, its OK,”  “Why Do Things Always Happen to Me?”  We play games, follow other people’s rules, manipulate, deny and … create drama and confusion for ourselves.

There’s a saying in those rooms, “To Thine Own Self Be True.”  It is not always easy to own up to the things we do, the things we feel.  There may be pain in confronting parts ourselves. I don’t like that I’ve been with married men, but I have been and I have to admit it if I am to learn and grow from the experiences.  What did I need?  What did I get?  What did I lose?  If I were to pretend about it, I’d never have a chance to explore and develop my own character, to understand my own motivations and intentions.  So my friend does not want to examine her behaviour, does not trust me with her vulnerabilities.  How can we be friends then? What is it based on?

Life is about so much more than the good times; we need people to share and help with the problems, anxieties, hurts, and dreams.  That’s what a supportive friend does.  Part of me is angry because her lie and obfuscation actually denied me the opportunity to be there for her.  She won’t let me be the warm, generous person that I really am.

So my friend lied to me.  Wasn’t honest.  Didn’t tell the truth.  Clearly, I can’t trust her.  I have to take a step back and rethink how close I want this person to be to me.  The confusion of denial and pretending makes me crazy.  It is hard enough to deal with reality.

Please, don’t lie to me again.

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  • Ncum

    Very well said..

    I was discussing the same topic with my friends, because I had a new acquaintance that had a tendency of lying even about petty things, the excuse being, sometimes a lie is an easy harmless way out. I found myself thinking, how much can I really trust this person, and if I cannot trust her, how can I be friends with her??

    Believe me the lies about petty things are still there, and all of sudden I realise there has been lies about serious stuff too, and I’m being lied to…

    If you lie about where you are just because you feel like it, how can I trust that you are not lying about your entire being??

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  • Shireen

    Nice. Hit the spot.

    Have had a few moments recently where I spoke from the heart. Seem to be doing it more often now. The scary part is how I haven’t been. How I lost myself to others. How I found it so difficult to be me again. It’s not easy being honest. But it’s much, much harder the other way.

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  • Yeah Myesha I feel you stax. I have neva understood why it is hard to “come to our selves” ~ok let me nt generalise n let me fess up I’m talkin bout myself …I still find it hard to be authententic and practise transparency because sumtyms peeps use that to their advantage and for ill gain. So sumtyms it’s easier for moa to put on social masks with the rest of the masses with my friends, family and with my boo I try to be authentic as I can be. I dunno maybe Im just a hypocrite like that wouldn’t like to think of myself as one though…Trust can sometimes be abused…*thinking hard*

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  • matebello

    wow for a moment there i searchd real deep insyd myself and gues what i found,damn!!!i lie to the people i love everyday some becos i fil by doing it i protect them SHAME,some i lie jst becos at that moment i “THINK” m protectn myself,SHAME SHAME..not realizn it all cmes bck to me at the end cos either way a lie is lie and by lien to a friend i LIE TO MYSELF 1st. eish

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  • Ncum

    Very well said..

    I was discussing the same topic with my friends, because I had a new acquaintance that had a tendency of lying even about petty things, the excuse being, sometimes a lie is an easy harmless way out. I found myself thinking, how much can I really trust this person, and if I cannot trust her, how can I be friends with her??

    Believe me the lies about petty things are still there, and all of sudden I realise there has been lies about serious stuff too, and I’m being lied to…

    If you lie about where you are just because you feel like it, how can I trust that you are not lying about your entire being??

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  • Shireen

    Nice. Hit the spot.

    Have had a few moments recently where I spoke from the heart. Seem to be doing it more often now. The scary part is how I haven’t been. How I lost myself to others. How I found it so difficult to be me again. It’s not easy being honest. But it’s much, much harder the other way.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  • Yeah Myesha I feel you stax. I have neva understood why it is hard to “come to our selves” ~ok let me nt generalise n let me fess up I’m talkin bout myself …I still find it hard to be authententic and practise transparency because sumtyms peeps use that to their advantage and for ill gain. So sumtyms it’s easier for moa to put on social masks with the rest of the masses with my friends, family and with my boo I try to be authentic as I can be. I dunno maybe Im just a hypocrite like that wouldn’t like to think of myself as one though…Trust can sometimes be abused…*thinking hard*

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  • matebello

    wow for a moment there i searchd real deep insyd myself and gues what i found,damn!!!i lie to the people i love everyday some becos i fil by doing it i protect them SHAME,some i lie jst becos at that moment i “THINK” m protectn myself,SHAME SHAME..not realizn it all cmes bck to me at the end cos either way a lie is lie and by lien to a friend i LIE TO MYSELF 1st. eish

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
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